DEAR RADIO: here is what I want for Christmas

Dear Radio:

For Christmas, please promise me that you will continue making my job of stealing your talk radio listeners under 45 easy in 2014 by doing 6 traffic reports an hour for your audience of largely 65+ shut-ins who can’t drive anymore.

Please make sure that humorless drones such as Mark Levin, John & Ken and Michael Savage take up as many hours of airtime as you can afford.

Please continue this recent trend of taking as few listener calls as possible (you can’t take what you don’t get).

And, because I’ve been very, very good, please make sure that no hour on the weekend is an actual show, rather that you will instead continue your practice of whoring out your weekends to the usual collection of snake oil salesmen, mortgage brokers, quack doctors, and psychics.

Finally, right in time for the holiday season at the end of each year, please be sure to lay the blame for your declining ratings, not on the upper management where it belongs, but on the little people at your stations like receptionists and board operators who don’t even know what the word “consolidation” means, and make sure they get no more than 15 minutes to pack years of memories into a cardboard box before they get shown the door one last time.

I love you, Radio.

Your son,

Tom Leykis

2 Responses to DEAR RADIO: here is what I want for Christmas

  1. Dramatic Entrance December 24, 2013 at 3:55 am #

    Seriously, two office rooms, 10 phone lines and a video like; Shazaam! Tom Leykis, and naked chicks ON DEMAND, with enough bandwidth to handle both – at once – yes!

    Oh sure Howard Stern has constant shock topics, but only Tom Leykis can have naked Leykets ‘ON DEMAND’ and on the air, at 9 bucks a minute for the Leykis legion to be ‘blown up to’..

    Whereas ‘Blow me up Tom’ might be just take me out with a sound effect; the New Normal would then verify the age, credit card, and directly skype to hot, naked Leyket woman, ready to handle all men coming at them, showering them with whatever!

  2. Spokker December 24, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    “whoring out your weekends to the usual collection of snake oil salesmen, mortgage brokers, quack doctors, and psychics.”

    This is so true. Even back when I was listening to KLSX, I was always disappointed that there was no actual content on the weekends, just paid programs. The weekends could be a radio station’s “farm team.” Potential talent could be cultivated on the weekends since fewer people are listening. I never understood why the snake oil salesmen would waste their money on weekend radio, since no one was listening anyway.

    KLSX did try to disguise some of those paid programs as actual content, but it was cringe-worthy. And then those paid programs would intrude on the actual weekday shows, and it was always so transparent. And they were never as interesting at the family law attorney you have on.

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