My father died 20 years ago and, by design, I never had kids, so you would think that Father’s Day would be irrelevant to me. But it’s not. In fact, Father’s Day is now the most rewarding holiday on my calendar.
Even before midnight on this Father’s Day, I received more Father’s Day good wishes than I ever could have imagined.
Many of these wishes were not phoned in to the show, but written to me privately and in hushed, reverent tones.
I’ve been thanked for things that I didn’t even know that I’d done. Lives that I’ve apparently improved or even saved. Unwanted children that were prevented from being born. Graduations I didn’t know about or attend, but in which I, apparently, played a role.
You don’t have to have kids to be someone’s dad. Amazingly, you apparently don’t even have to meet someone to have an influence.
I am as proud of every one of you as I could ever be if you were my own. And in many ways, you are my own. There’s nothing more rewarding than when I get those graduation photos from my sons who said they would have never finished school if I hadn’t pushed them. When they write “LEYKIS 101” on their graduation caps and send me the photos, I’m not ashamed to say that this makes me as about as emotional as I ever get.
I am thrilled to know about the people for whom I’ve made a father-like difference. And I want to thank you for being at the other end of that microphone. I wanted you to know that it means the world to me.
FInally, I wanted to remind you that if you have a dad, and all you know about him is that your mom says he’s an asshole, a deadbeat, or a jerk, don’t take her word for it. For your own satisfaction, be sure to seek out your dad for this Father’s Day wherever in the world he may be and make that decision for yourself. Even if your dad turns out to be an asshole or a jerk, the fact that your mother wanted to make babies with that asshole will tell you what you need to do to change your life forever. Perhaps if YOU were more of an asshole like your dad, you could get chicks like your mom. I’m not kidding. For many men today growing up under single mother domination, this really is the missing link in their lives.
Thanks for everything.
Why do People Have Kids?
I have always wondered why people choose to have children.
There is nothing rational about purposely raising one’s own stress level, or having less discretionary income, or doing things your normally would not do in life. The answer most people often give for having kids is having a bloodline continuation, joy, or happiness. But why are children so expressly associated with happiness? Just because one has a child does, not automatically make everyone happy. Some people get rather depressed by having children, case in point (post partum depression).
All reasons for having kids are personal. In fact the times in which people had children out of necessity are non-existent in the modern civilized world. If you had a large farm that needed workers, okay that makes some rational sense. But these days if your an accountant, and she is a chef, you have no large amount of fields that need to be tilled, or livestock taken care of, so why? Continuation of a bloodline? I’ve driven around America from NYC, to California, to the deep south…some bloodlines should not be allowed to continue. We know for a fact not all persons whom are parents are good parents. We know some folks that have children should probably not have had children. I do not think many folks would have objected to Hitler’s folks getting an abortion, but of course hindsight is 20/20.
Is there any way to logically arrive at an objective reason for having children?
I’ll expand on this later, but for now one example is the economy. The economy quickly springs to mind, with the issue of having more potential workers. However…people whom do not have children pay more in taxes that people with children. People without children are discriminated against in the workplace because they do not get the “breaks” someone with children get in that environment. Children are so socially accepted into the fabric of being “good” and “positive” in the human psyche, we give families tax breaks to help them with a decision they made themselves which only affects them personally as that particular family. Is it fair and just to make people whom do not have children pay for the education of people with children as well? Logically, No. But people that don’t have kids and went to public took use of the system, so okay they’re paying what they used back basically. No argument there.
But why should those whom have children get tax credits? It defies logic. Your subsidizing not only other people’s choices, but other people’s children directly . Parents in society bear all burden of responsibility for their children’s well being in all other matters, so why should people without children bear a financial responsibility to your child in the form of you the “family” getting a bigger tax break?
If you make $60,000 a year, and you have 3 kids let’s say the government takes out $12,000…and you get back $5,000. And I make $60,000 a year have no kids, and they take $12,000 and I only get back $3,000 how is that fair to me? I worked hard as well, made the same amount of money..and let’s say I lived across the street from you. The logic is when you have kids you have more expenses. Gee, REALLY. Logic says you could have had more money in your pocket if A) you did not have kids, B) had less kids, then you wouldn’t need that extra $2,000 to cover what you have done for yourself. People do not have children for the community in modern day society.
You have them because you and the significant other had them for whatever reason, hopefully you both mutually decided to have children. No one has kids, and turns them over to the military from birth. Kids are not community property like a park bench, or a subway station. They are your kids, but they are also individuals. I can’t walk up and say I need to borrow your kid to wash my windows, nor can anyone else in the neighborhood…(less they employ them, but that’s another matter). So a couple having kids does not benefit the community in the short term at all, but rather an assumption that you having those children will benefit the community in the long term. Assuming you raise your kid to be a productive citizen whom gives back…less of course out of your so called non-selfish act of having kids, the kids does not turn selfish, and then it’s all for naught based on your original intention of it being a selfless act.
The second reason is largely psychological. People say that children “bring joy”, are a “blessing”. And every other type of euphemism along these lines. Once again these are not objective reasons for deciding to creating a child, these are emotional responses from having children. And there is no guarantee once the child is born both parties, or one party, shall feel this way joy forever. A lot of things in life look good from the outside looking into them. If you are already an unhappy person, having a child more than likely will not make you happy unto itself. Because you were already unhappy as your life was, of course these unhappy feelings may come from feeling “unfulfilled” and a child certainly fills that emotional gap.
But what happens, when you tie your emotions into this child that you may or may not get tired of? Children may disappoint you later on as they get older, or not follow your requests, and then you’ll be back to the same state of unhappiness. So to tie a child to an emotional response is truly dangerous and unfair to the child that did not request your procreating and bringing them into this plane of existence.
The third reason people have children is, tradition. The point of marriage for most folks is for the procreation of children. Now looking at current society we know this not to be true at all. Marriage is not at all necessary to have children. Teen pregnancies, out of wedlock (interesting name), sperm clinics. We know marriage has nothing at all to do with the specific action of creating children. Is there anything wrong with following tradition? No. Is there anything wrong with not following tradition and looking to do something new? No. But if you take the stance that you get married to have kids…does that not say you’re really not in it for the love and devotion to your spouse but just simply to not feel the guilt from traditions and perhaps religion to have sex and children? Seems like a pretty weak reason to get married. Why be legally affixed to someone just for having children, to have an emotional guilt free escape card? Hardly seems noble or righteous, and what does that really do for the image of marriage does this not cheapen the idea of marriage you hold to be so strong? Seems like this vantage point makes marriage built upon a poor structure.
Face it folks, there is not one objective reason people choose to have children. None whatsoever. However, it is often cited that people whom choose not to have children are selfish.
The Child-Free side of the coin…
The folks whom choose to live child-free, as opposed to childless. Difference being one is a conscious act of will (child-free), and the other is usually due to medical defects (childless). People say it is “selfish” not to choose to have children. Argument usually being something along the lines of “If you do not have kids, and you are a good person then there will be less good folks in the world”. That’s not true so because, so as far as we know Hitler’s parents did not kill masses of people. So what about those conscious choosing to be child-free folks?
First, what is selfishness? According to Webster’s dictionary, it means to be concerned either one’s own welfare excessively or without regard for others. Now to be fair this sounds more closer to being reckless, than being selfish as the appropriate wordage. Child-free folks are not selfish because they take the initiative to think about the welfare of the child with them as parents first off, as well too think so heavily about this issue as having children is serious, is with great regard for others rather than disregarding others. Child-free people are actuality self-composed, and self-contained.
Self-composed: Having control over one’s emotions…see above reason #2.
Self-contained: Complete in self. Showing self control.
We all look around each day people struggling to afford their children, whether it be feeding them, sending them to college, dealing with their emotional issues on top of their own, not being able to keep them quiet in restaurants, movie theaters, etc..etc. Why is it folks whom often have children, always complain about not being able to find a babysitter..which means wishing to get away from them. Or constantly tell their kids about the “sacrifices” they made in having them..there goes reason #2 again…(not getting quite that gratitude you thought you’d get)..nice, must be sad to guilt a person into being thankful.
In regards to economy people without children pay more in taxes than those with children ultimately, because they do not get the benefit of child tax credits. Assuming all make the same amount of money. And as well since by them not getting the same amount of money back, as a family with children would…they are actually subsidizing your child care needs and placing more money in your pocket by not having children in the first place. So in essence, they cost less than people with children.
In regards to social interaction, they are looked down upon. Why? Because people associate the idea of choosing not to want children with hating children. This is completely asinine and stupid. Most of them are the educators your child will learn from in school, or create a theory to benefit mankind, cover for you at work because you have to take your kids to the doctor or make an appearance at one of their events. In reality you should be thanking people that choose not to have kids, because they are in essence making things easier upon you financially, and socially for having kids, yet they are the one’s making the sacrifices so many people with children take for granted, daily. And do they get a “thank you”? No. Next time they come in late to work, and don’t have kids to have a “better excuse” than you…back them up and stand up for them in the work place.
As well they challenge tradition. What makes kids inherently good? People have bad kids all the time, we even have the “terrible two’s”. Believing kids to be good, is just that a belief not a proof. If you have ever been to elementary school you know that most children have nothing to do with altruism. Nor does having children make one altruistic. Just makes them parents, and not necessarily good one’s.
Psychologically, they are content. They already have fulfillment the way their lives are structured without children. Like I said children do not necessarily breed happiness, nor does not having them. Happiness is unto itself. So they are not sad, depressed, crazy individuals they just simply made a choice you as a parent chose (hopefully) not to make.
But how are most kids conceived? Accident or Unplanned. Choosing not to have kids, is in itself a planned action. Of course some kids are planned, obviously.
So coming back to the basic question asked earlier, why do people choose to have kids?
Because they can. It’s really not more complicated than that, they do it because it is there. Just like a child whom touches stuff because it is there, no other inertia is needed. There is no objective reason for having kids unless your going to directly after birth hand them to the military, or make them expressly community property something along these lines. (Which is illegal, even adoption agencies don’t make the kids clean up the highway or work fields as they are wards of the state.)
My personal opinion, I think it is done to fill an emotional gap.
Kids are an unspoiled reflection of both the partners. They know not of lying, cheating, harm, sorrow, pain. They are pure in that sense. And people will do anything to connect back to that part of themselves that living in the real world, and becoming an adult takes away that stockpile of innocence that children have so much of at birth. And as they get older you watch that stockpile decrease.
Which is why a good deal of parents hopes their children do not age, and “stay children” even though we know growth is inevitable. Which is another reason people I think have more than one child, just to keep trying to recapture that “high” of innocence lost. Now of course that’s an addictive property associated with drugs, but I believe the correlation fits rather nicely.
On another note…Personal Responsibility comes into play. In this society there is this constant notion that people are responsible for themselves in regards the health care, socioeconomic status, if that is the case then why are not only parents responsible for their children’s costs on the system? If this were true, people that did not have kids would not subsidize people who have kids. The healthy would not pay for the non-healthy, The young would not pay for the elderly. So it’s really not about personal responsibility, it just sounds like it is about personal responsibility.
Final note…
No one should ever be guilt-ed or manipulated into having children. Ever. Children should never be conceived through what I call “soft coercion”. You may know it as “If you really loved me, you would do this and I should not have to ask you”. Not only if these methods are used is that not love, but 100% unjust. Because a child unlike say a car, cannot be returned to sender of there is no more love in the relationship. Often instead of serving as a reminder of love two persons once had, it is interpreted as a bad decision or mistake between those specific two people at that time…then it really wasn’t love in the first place now was it?
True lover’s or those in love truly…never would manipulate their partner into doing something you know that is against their wishes. If it’s wrong for a man who wants 3 kids, and his woman wants 2 to “soft coerce” her into having that 3rd is wrong. It is just as it is wrong to “soft coerce” your lover into having kids as proof of loving you. Rather that “love” now becomes manipulated for your own selfish ends because you feel you are entitled to have a child with them, they now “owe” you that child. This no longer is love, but cold calculated selfish manipulation of strong emotions nothing more. It is love perverted by selfishness, and such is never LOVE.
If you encounter this with your partner it is best to break it off. Because it only works if both want kids, or do not want kids. If its a mixture of both it will never work out. She’ll be in love with what she wishes you were as opposed to what you really are, and vice versa. And that is never fair to all parties involved.
and get this….i am a girl! 🙂
I only wish I had listened, Heard the message sooner, and realized the truths that were flowing out between folks being blown up and the bonghit exits…
Instead, I’m broke, broken, and still fighting a man-hating family court system on my own while the Dark Side has already picked up a new Sponsor that she’s gotten to even pay for an attorney.
All the while I continue the fight for my son to be sure he knows he matters to his father, his Dad, and not let Dark Side do to me that me what my own mother did to my father… convincing him to quit.
Keep up the good work Tom! Please keep enlightening the young and old alike.
And if you know any father’s rights attorneys that do any sympathy pro bono work… Please forward! 🙂
Thanks again.
Interesting I thought of you on the day after Father’s Day. I used to listen to your show a lot and loved it, still do. I just don’t get a chance to listen to it since I’m not in the car as much and I don’t think about the radio when I’m home. Anyway, reading your Father’s Day message, I think you must have mellowed because I wanted to write to you on your idea (on a broadcast long ago) of giving girls/women in bars business cards that weren’t yours. In other words, when they find themselves pregnant, they THINK they have a stand up guy because they have his business card. Except it is your tax man or insurance agent or whatever. Okay, i agree in principle that adults should be responsible for what they do. The problem is the woman in a very large percentage of cases then become a burden on the welfare system. ( I do remember a male caller going into the bathroom finding the woman scooping out the contents of the condom so I get that women play games too). As I sit here working my child support job, I just wonder if you still feel the same way.
“…Even if your dad turns out to be an asshole or a jerk, the fact that your mother wanted to make babies with that asshole will tell you what you need to do to change your life forever.”
Words of Wisdom that every man of any age nowadays should remember.
thanks tom… for all of the listening goodness over the years!
Tom,
I am proud to say that You Influence me at the ripe old age of 48.. I have NO Kids, Divorced ONE Time and Own my Own cabin on 2 Acres in NY and I LIVE ALONE!!! Wanna know what I do in my Spare Time? I listen to you since I am Retired, Happy and Enjoy Life especially with you a large part of it!!! Thank You TOM!!! P1
I’m a Leykis 101 follower and thanks to Tom was able to DT(pussified male)B a couple of years ago with no regrets. Tom also made me feel confident in my decision to be alone (not lonely). My daughter is starting college and I have zero interest in ever being married again despite society continuously telling me I need to have one man in my life to be complete. I have great friends, an active normal sex life…and because I realized how costly and time consuming children are, only had one ….and am free to travel when and where I want and work on becoming debt free.
I have had several male role models in my life, but Tom’s pragmatic way of thinking has helped shape me into this awesome brawd…. I’ve been a faithful listener since 1997…. and initially I thought “what an asshole!”… today, I’ve accepted that most men are assholes by nature, and guess what ladies? If they’re not assholes, they’re probably impotent, broke and looking to live off you or both.
Anyways… thanks Dad…. keep on truckin baby
Mimi Brown
My pops passed away at 50 Tim has same laugh, it was when I just turned 18 -20 I was like whatever like it didn’t happen he was always work and me at school when he was home so many years passed by I started studying psychic readings and I was either hacked or he sent me a message on my old phone when I finally began thinking with empathy he did not want leave our family, it’s because of him we have a house mom is constantly bummed out But at least she gots me, brother, distant I didn’t have guts to call inas usual
Tom not Tim oops
You also contributed to change my life, Tom.
Many, many shows listening to you. Learning English and laughing my ass off while driving delivering Penny Savers all around SoCal. Working like an animal, with the only goal to assimilate into the American culture all the way to a Masters degree and finally becoming a dentist in love with his career. Your words and pauses hit a nerve on my head and helped me learn not to listen to the voices that said that “I could not be a contender”.
Voices from people surprisingly close to me who saw me as a threat for their failures.
You really explained it all so well and I could make it mine. I have never talked to you or saw you in person, but you are like a great classic book that changes your life. You are like the Herman Hesse’s “Sidharta”or Kafka’s Metamorphosis” that I read when I was a teenager and changed my life as well.
Thank you and I wish you good health and many years on the radio, whatever format you choose.
Carlos.