One show I always record and take forever to watch is a depressing piece of shit called Californication. I started watching this yawning piece of trash because of its name: I love living in California and I love to fornicate. Also, the show seems to be shot all over my neighborhood in and below the Hollywood Hills, so it affords me the opportunity to… see the insides of neighbors’ homes without having to go eat coffee cake at their various open houses.
The main character on the show is a writer (remember books?) with the oh-so-subtle name “Hank Moody,” and his life is a constant series of fucking various women (who all look the same), doing drugs (but never ODing), and getting into fights with people he doesn’t like (which is almost anyone is he isn’t fucking). Amazingly, for all the fucking this 50-something guy does (due to the fact that he is apparently God’s Gift to Fucking) , he never seems to knock anyone up nor does he ever suffer an STD. He never gets sued for hitting people and he never gets killed for fucking other people’s wives. Mostly, he suffers from hangovers, black eyes, and his constant disappointing of the clueless, constantly-surprised-that-Hank-has-cheated-on-her-again mother of his fucked-up little cunt of a daughter.
This show is nothing more than a dreary look at the life of an asshole who does nothing but fuck and suck his way through a bunch of porn-video-looking chicks, and the women who think that a guy who is so good at fucking would actually want to settle down with them, rather than him continuing to fuck anyone who will show him a semi-wet hole. His best friend is played by some very white actor who looks like a chemo patient and who is addicted to porn. Ho hum. The producers and writer of the show apparently think that this is a “comedy,” and yet I have come out of peep shows and strip clubs feeling less dirty than this, and have usually had more laughs. I have never seen a show with so many naked women that doesn’t arouse me in the slightest the way that this one doesn’t. I get a much bigger boner watching the Filipina chick with the ungodly large tits who does the weather on channel 4 at 4 AM (who has NEVER taken her clothes off) than I do watching the chicks on Californication. I also don’t pay $13/month to watch Channel 4 News. Yet.
Every year, I figure that Showtime will finally see this show for what it is: an unfunny piece of shit fronted by an actor of questionable talent, David Duchovny (who jumped the shark around Season 3 of The X-Files), and a show in which the main character is a complete douche, who never suffers more than a black eye or some minor jail time, never gets fucking AIDS, never ODs, and therefore, never surprises us.
Is anyone at Showtime listening? People are paying 13 bucks a month for this shit. Please kill Hank Moody and his cancerous cueball of a friend and put us all out of our misery.
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