Ask Your Professor: Wait until 25 or beyond to get into a relationship, not to get laid

Spike writes: Tom, I always wanted to run the Leykis 101 game but some things are holding me back, such as: I do not want any kids whatsoever, so I want to get my Vasectomy ASAP!  I do not trust condoms as my prime birth control. I haven’t had sex since forever! I am extremely afraid of getting a chick knocked up, even condoms with the 95% of keeping me safe isn’t enough for me to feel safe. I need 100%. And the bad thing is I cannot afford to get a vasectomy for a long time like after I finish college, which is bad because college is supposedly where should be the easiest time to get laid. What should I do? I already maxed out some credit cards with my school supplies -at least until I receive my school loans to pay them back. I don’t make a good income at all. Is it best to just wait patiently as you said until I am successful at around my 30s? By the way I am 25, and in college full time and working full time. I’ve been listening to Leykis 101 since 2008, but went online to listen to every single one I’ve missed, so I’ve listened all the way to 2001 roughly. I love you as a father figure and as an entertainer… You’re a true influence on my life and thank you!

What I said, Spike, is that you shouldn’t have a girlfriend, a child, or get married until you are at least 25 or until you have achieved your dream. I didn’t say that you should wait to get laid.

College is prime time for meaningless sexual encounters and girls are more into hooking up than ever before because they want to be more like guys. Now, we all know that girls are NOT like guys because, after they act like us, they crawl under the covers by themselves with a copy of Us Weekly and a quart of Haagen-Dazs and feel badly about themselves for reasons they don’t quite understand. This is good for us because they then gain a couple of pounds and the whole experience further diminishes their self-esteem (“Do I look faaaaat?”) making it more likely that they’ll do something stupid like sleep with another one of us all over again in order to feel better. After this, the cycle of this downward spiral continues, and YOU are the beneficiary. Be ready to take full advantage! And remember, you don’t want to own one of these…you just want to take a test drive and then tell the salesman you’ll get back to him, if you know what I mean.

You definitely want a vasectomy as soon as you can possibly afford it because knocking up some one night stand will ruin your plans for the future. In the meantime, condoms are the way to go, but that must be combined with asking and trying to discern whatever you can get a chick to say about childbearing so you know where you would stand in the event of an accident. Make sure chicks you’d like to plow know you have no interest in having kids ever and, if you can ever find a way to ask what they would do if they accidentally get knocked up, all the better.

Remember the basics for avoiding unwanted dependents: don’t do single mothers, don’t ever pay for anything, and do not pay attention to any pets she may have, since your interaction with her pets is a major way in which chicks size you up as a potential sperm donor. Combine that with religious condom use and you have a good shot at getting through the next few years without any unwanted surprises. Oh, and if you can avoid giving her your real name and home address or license plate number, all the better.